Reality is such a strange concept to grasp. The fact that someone could be a living human being walking around, conversing, enjoying other human being's company. It's just such a different and weird thing to think about. 

I feel like i've never really lived. I've never felt the feeling of being completely free to do what I wanted. I always has some sort of restriction when it came to being in different situations. I'm 18 years old going on 19 and still have a curfew when i'm home. I still have to work my ass off when in school and not being able to party like I used to. I don't like the feeling of these chains placed upon me. I wish for once I could be given that taste of freedom. But maybe there's a reason I haven't felt something like that. Maybe if I actually had that taste of freedom i'd crave it so often that I wouldn't bring myself back to reality. It would become a drug to me. And that's something I know because I have such an addictive quality to myself. Once I finally get my hands on something I really want; I won't let go. 

That was my problem with my last relationship. Looking back on it more and more, I shake my head in despair and anger because I thought I would see something that's RIGHT in front of my face. But no. Always blinded by love. Always blinded from the reality of the situation.

When something is too good to be true. You often think, this isn't legit. There's something wrong with this situation. You put up your guard. You don't want anything to do with that situation. But what if something that is fantasy is actually reality? Why can't you just grasp onto that reality? 

Well, I know my problem. I've been torn down so many times by so many lies. I can't differentiate from reality and fantasy. For once, I just like to have something in my life that's stable. Interesting. Loving. and just HERE. I'm trying to be tough and not give my heart away so easily, but I feel like i'm starting to dwindle down into a puddle of nothing. I'm not getting anywhere. 

I feel like i'm going around in circles typing this. I feel like i'm not getting anywhere. And maybe that's because i'm still not sure how I feel about life in general. It's all a learning experience I guess. I'm just finding a lot more frustration than actual answers. I just need answers. I just need to sit down and talk about life with someone that understands. 

...the only person I used to have that did that is gone....I really do chase the people i really care about out of my life. 

Ugh, stopping myself now before I sound like a depressed lonely freak. Making myself feel better somehow. Later. <3

Enitnelav

That's Valentine spelled backwards....you're welcome.

So Valentine's Day is coming up. The lovely upcoming monday. I've always felt so indifferent about this holiday considering i'm always single during it. It's a celebration of love. And well, i'm never in a lovey-dovey mood when the fourteenth of the month rolls around. Plus its a commercial holiday. Sending a bunch of roses, candy and hearts isn't going to really express how you feel on this day. If you love this person, show it everyday. Don't reserve it for a specific day that some dead guy decided to pick. 

I've been pretty happy lately. Can't really complain what's going on in my life. Less drama. Making new friends. Just a carefree life. I like it. I like being away from home for long periods of time and just loving the simple things in life. 

What I do have to complain about is the weather. The snow is killing me. I love winter, but i'm tired of waking up every morning and having to trek in a foot of snow and awkwardly walking with your head down so you don't risk getting huge white puffy snowflakes in your eyes. But besides that nonsense, I like the cold. I like the chill your spine gets walking through the quad. I like the feeling of my fingers and ears numbing as I walk briskly from class to class. The naked trees wave in the wind. And at risk of becoming the next nathaniel hawthorne. i'll stop right there.

There's a few goals i'm going to give myself with this second semester. Stop procrastinating. Eat healthier. Go to the gym more often. Smile more. Be nicer.

I feel like good karma will be sent my way if I just value the little things more. I gotta stop being such a sour puss and stop looking at the glass half empty. 

Well, until next time Xanga. <3

I posted this on my Tumblr and was pretty proud of it. So i'm gunna post it on my other blog. Xanga. Here we go!

Warning: This is about a VERY touchy subject. I suggest not reading if you are easily offended. 

I know I could probably dig myself into a really big hole writing this on my tumblr xanga, but I don’t care.

I was discussing not too long ago about religion. Now, I know everyone has a right to believe in something and that’s GOOD. You’re making your life not just about you. I mean it’s great and all, but me, personally I don’t think I could ever get into religion. I was never forced to go to church when I was younger, so I never felt the need to go to church every sunday. My parents gave me the freedom to believe in what I wanted to believe in. So yes, i’m very free spirited and I say what I feel on a whim. Yes, it may get me in trouble, but I believe everyone has a right to an opinion about something. Even if it’s as touchy as religion.

Do I believe there is a God? Yes. To an extent.

Yes, I believe there is someone out there watching over us. I believe there is a heaven and a hell. But I don’t believe there is someone placed in our life that is gunna sit here and watch out for every single human being on this planet. If He was going to do just that there would be a lot less shit going on in this world. Less crime, less depression and less hatred. Okay, so maybe Jesus isn’t perfect. He’s flawed like every human being on this planet. If he’s flawed, then why are people sitting here waiting to be “saved”? Waiting for their prayers to come true. When a lot of these prayers are really just wishes. Wishes for their lives to be better. Sounds pretty one sided to me. Everyone just wants, but never gives. I find it more impressive to do some good in this world, go volunteer at a soup kitchen or help someone in need, than someone going to church every Sunday and screaming out bible quotes to people that don’t really even care. Stop shoving your religion down my throat. I don’t wanna hear it.

Religion… I thought it would make people more accepting in the world, but if anything its churning out more hatred than ever to gays. I don’t find it cute that you’re throwing bible quotes in my face saying “BEING GAY IS A SIN. ITS IN THE BIBLE” Isn’t the bible just one book that has about 90237490327 interpretations? That’s what I thought. Every single person that is going to read the bible is going to look at it completely different from the other person. There is not one specific line that says: “Gay love is a sin.” And even if there was, I still wouldn’t give a fuck. It’s a book. A BOOK. I could live my entire life without reading the bible. It doesn’t affect me. It won’t kill me. If everyone built their lives around books they love word for word, a bunch of teenage girls would be running around trying to find a vampire that sparkles.

And the worst part about people that are so religious are the first ones to point fingers when it comes to people being gay. They hate that people love. Everyone has the right to love. Whether it be a man and a woman, a woman and a woman or a man and a man. Whether they are transgender or bisexual. And you people have the nerve to “get rid of the gayness in them”? You run businesses of trying to change people’s sexualities. Excuse me, but when did you decide to be straight? You didn’t. You didn’t CHOOSE to love the opposite sex. So do you think they chose to love someone of the same sex? I don’t think so. It’s normal. Love is normal. Love is love. Bottom line. Don’t try to tell me otherwise because i’d just laugh in your face. You’re an insensitive prick and I just stand up for what I believe in. I believe in love and i’m sure so do you. I just believe love can be in more ways than one.

Call me ignorant. Call me dumb. Call me insensitive. Call me a hater. Throwing words at me are just plain useless. I don’t care. I have my beliefs and you have yours. If you’re offended by anything I just written, well I can’t say I didn’t warn you.

:]

There comes a point when obsession goes to a whole other level. To the point where you cut your hair like me, deliberately get the same car I drive and then just constantly bash on me because you have nothing better to do. I'm tired of you trying to make my life a living hell when I have nothing to do with yours. Leave me alone and all will be good.

I'm not letting you get to me anymore. I'm done crying over you. I'm gunna be a lot stronger than you. Bring it on.

Happy. Just blissfully happy. Everything is finally turning out for the best. 

I got my winter internship which I start on Tuesday, we're back together and Posch finally grew a pair and sucked up her pride and apologized to me. I got the camera I wanted for Christmas. And I'm just so happy it's ridiculous.

Merry Christmas :]